Warnings: AU, random, gay, language, etc
Pairings: AkuRoku. Luxord and EVERY COUGAR EVER. SoRiku
Summary: Roxas, in all his job-needing glory, applies to work at a near-by pizza parlour, the very special Pizza 3.14. If only he had known that he’d be working with some of the strangest people he’ll ever meet. And what’s this about a pizza gang war with rival parlour Omnidox’s?
Notes: This was inspired by an evening in the local pizza parlour. A friend of mine wrote a short drabble, and I decided to start on a full length fic of the stupid idea we had. In short, the Organization XIII members and Sora and Riku work in two rival pizza parlours - one owned by Xigbar, and one owned by Xemnas. Yeah. It's crack.
His first day had been surprisingly uneventful. Sure, Larxene had stolen his car keys the moment he walked in and yes, Axel had “accidentally” groped his ass, but overall it could have been a lot worse. Especially considering that he hadn’t gone on delivery yet. It was one of those “training” days. Honestly, Roxas had no idea why he had to train for the other positions when he was a delivery boy, but he went with it and hoped for the best.
Roxas wasn’t exactly aware of the fact that there would be times where he would have to work the counter when business was slow or if someone called in sick, much like Marluxia had been forced to do the day that he had applied for the job. But of course, he didn’t know this – at least not immediately – and it took a long discussion with his brother the day after his training day to realize just what he had signed up for.
Predictably, his brother had flipped when he told him that he was hired at Pizza 3.14. The conversation was the type that made Roxas wonder if he was actually related to Sora – it was one that was entirely too random to actually be about their shared place of employment, though Roxas had heard enough of Sora’s lack of oratory skills to get the gist of what he was saying, and it was essentially what could have been a short warning drawn out: “You’re gonna go crazy.”
And maybe Sora was right about that, if his first day had been any indication.
He could handle the cleaning, and he could handle learning how to work the oven and watching Axel – who, he quickly learned, was the only person allowed to toss the dough – make a pizza was actually pretty awesome, especially considering the way his hands moved in a perfect arch. Despite his weirdness, Roxas had to admit that he was damn fine. It was a shame that he was such a… strange man. And that was part of the one thing that he couldn’t quite handle: Axel. Axel was maybe one step below the cut-off for “sexual harassment in the work place.”
Sure, it was never overt or obvious (except the occasional good-natured grope that he seemed to place on everyone), but it was always just enough to make Roxas watch him carefully whenever he was near and it was certainly enough to make him wary of the other man’s hands.
Even if they were the nicest hands he had ever seen.
And even if a little part of his mind was wondering if those gropes would be a common occurrence.
Not that he was looking forward to it or anything.
“Okay, Roxas. Your first job. The popping of your delivery-boy cherry.”
“Tha’s disgusting, Axel.”
“Yeah, yeah, Luxy. Shut it.” Axel paused long enough to respond, blow a raspberry, before returning his attention to the blond boy in front of him. Said blond boy had to admit he concurred with Luxord. “Anyway, it’s your first delivery and you’ve gotta be prepared. So. What do you do if someone tries to mug you?”
Roxas blinked at Axel, “Get back in the car and drive like hell?”
“Wrong.” The redhead grinned and reached over the counter to grab a long tube, wrapped in shiny paper and topped with a bow. He passed it to the short blond and made a motion that indicated that he was supposed to open it.
Roxas quirked an eyebrow, but did as he was figuratively told. There was a lid beneath the bow, and he hesitated for just a moment before slowly removing the lid. And he promptly wished he could bang his head against the counter a few feet away.
“A wooden baseball bat?”
“You need to beat the shit out of the mugger with that lovely bat there. It is now your new best friend on deliveries. No need to thank me.”
“Well, good thing I wasn’t going to.” Roxas deadpanned, taking the bat out and examining it. There was writing on it – writing that wasn’t a part of the bat. In fact, it was a long series of very small, very neatly written lines of what might have been poetry, and upon further inspection Roxas realised that it was a good bit of the digits of pi. “I’m supposed to bludgeon them with math?”
Axel grinned, hoisting himself to sit up on the counter, while Luxord simply sighed and shook his head, going back to his counter-cleaning. “Nah, of course not. You’re beating them in the name of Archimedes.”
There was a long moment of silence. Even Luxord stopped scrubbing long enough to look up at Axel with an expression of absolute horror on his face. Roxas, for his part, thought he did admirably by not slamming his face repeatedly into the countertop.
“Really, Axel? Really?” Luxord sounded exasperated as he regained his composure long enough to chide Axel for the horrible joke.
“Ya really.” Axel replied with a shit-eating grin. It was obvious that Axel didn’t care how bad his joke was - he thought it was funny, and that was all that mattered.
Roxas shook his head, “Oh really?”
There was a pause before Axel once again said, “Ya really!”
Luxord was about to open his mouth to either end the nonsense or contribute to it, when Marluxia’s voice called out from the back room, “Ma-really, now shut the fuck up so I can hear this guy’s order!”
Axel cackled. It was almost like he had expected it, and that was more than just a little bit unnerving. What the hell was that all about? “We love you too, Marly!”
A moment later, it was as if none of the previous five minutes had happened. “Okay then. You ready to head out on your first adventure?”
At this point, Roxas wasn’t sure of anything. In fact, he pretty much decided that he wanted to throw the bat down and quit. But he needed the money. Not to mention the fact that his brother could handle it. And if he could do it, well, then why couldn’t Roxas figure out a way to handle it, too? It wasn’t as if the job was dangerous – it was just a pizza parlour. The worst he had to worry about was rowdy customers and bad tippers.
Instead of relaying any of this to his unusual manager, Roxas simply nodded, forcing out a “yes” before he found himself being smacked on the back. A pizza box was shoved into his hands, causing him to almost drop the bat, and before he could really think about anything else, he was pushed towards and out the door.
“Have fun storming the castle!” was the last thing to be shouted out by Axel before the door was slammed in his face.
With a sigh, the blond turned and headed toward his car. He paused for just a moment, taking in the supremely cheesy sign that someone had put on top of his car. Pizza Pi! The favourite of mathematicians everywhere! With a shake of his head, Roxas slid into the driver’s seat, revved the engine to life, and looked back at the parlour front, “Oh, this is gonna be fun.”